Its been a while since I wrote in my blog. Since that time a few other long term infertility sufferers have gotten pregnant and I am still infertile. Its funny that no matter how strong you think you are going there are always those moments when you talk about your experiences and get upset. After a couple of months break from IVF, albeit with the constant reminder of my failure to get pregnant (my ankles and fingers are still swollen from steroid withdrawals) I thought I was doing fine. I was also contemplating life without a child and wondering what that could mean.
However on Monday evening I went out to dinner with my biological mother (I am adopted) and found myself crying about it all. As if that wasn’t embarrassing enough. Today (Thursday), we visited a friend who had baby number 2 and I found myself getting clucky and playing with the baby. I marveled at this newborns beautiful soft skin and tiny long and slender fingers. Then I started crying – perhaps it was the realization that I might never have a baby. I don’t know. All I know is that grief can come along at any moment and strike you when you least expect it. I had to fake it and go to toilet so that no-one could see me cry. Its not good when you want a baby. I know I should be happy for the people who have a child (and I am) except that it reminds me that I can’t have a child and don’t have one.
In any case I have resolved to have a break from IVF and let my body recover. I have rashes all over my body as well as the swollen ankles and this is all related to my reaction to going off steroid treatment for my natural killer cells. I am sick of my body reacting the way it does and want to give it time to recover. Previously I was rushing against my body clock but now I have a different attitude and just want my body to be ok and I want the horrible symptoms I have left over from IVF to go away. I have also put on weight and I know this isn’t going to help me get pregnant either. So it is rest time for me for a little while at least. I am going to have a post a picture of the rashes on my legs that started to appear right before Christmas. I also need to write about another incident that occurred before I left my job. It literally shocked me that someone could be so thoughtless.
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