The IVF Club

One of the most annoying aspects of IVF is organising your social life around the daily process of needles and injections.

This brings me to the events of last night which were just plain weird. For a start, I was in a library. Now this is not a place I would normally frequent. However, I happened to be at the library because I was attending an Internet marketing meeting on blogging! Yep – and this blog is the result.

In any case, I came to the library prepared with mini esky (ice box), ice pack, antiseptic swabs and syringe in tow. My plan was to escape my meeting at 8pm so I could duck off to the toilet and treat myself to another dose of Follicle Stimulating Hormone (FSH). Just want everyone wants to do. Not!

What was weird about the whole episode was that I felt like some druggie escaping off to get my next fix – especially since I have never been a user of illegal substances.

The location of the library certainly added to my overall feeling. For a start, the library was located in Fitzroy which is an inner city suburb of Melbourne. Fitzroy is quite eclectic and fashionable but I would also say it would probably have a higher than average proportion of druggies in the area. So it would be fair to say that this contributed to the overall weirdness of what I was doing.

It also felt strange injecting in such a public place away from the privacy of home. Fortunately, by the time I went to the toilet the library was closed to the public but I think that just added to the weirdness of my act.

In the back of my mind was the thought of being caught out in the random act of giving myself an injection. How would I handle it? What would I say? How would the person react? Would they think I was a user? I don’t think I had a readily available answer.

And fortunately, my act was done undetected with no unwelcome intruders. Phew!!!

After 6 attempts at IVF, I have learnt that again I was not successful in getting pregnant. I was devastated and have had random moments of tears since that discovery.

I never thought that this week would be so hard. I am starting to learn that the the more you go down the IVF path, the harder it actually gets. I have now done 4 IVF stimulated cycles and 2 Frozen Embryo Transfers.

For my part, the disappointment stems from an unbelievable sense of loss. It feels like my dreams of becoming a parent will never materialize. My biological clock is ticking and my body is against me.

The difference with IVF compared to natural attempts at conception is the knowledge that an embryo has been implanted. What I mean is that you know an embryo is there and fertilisation has taken place. With this knowledge comes the hope that this time might be the lucky time. The disappointing thing, is that I now know that it isn’t. I now have a history of two years of infertility and am contemplating doing another stimulated IVF cycle.

I am also surprised to learn new things about myself and depth of my emotions on the topic. I never thought this possible, but I am am surprised to learn that I would be a person who has been:

Happy but angry that a friend would conceive after 1 IVF stimulated cycle and 1 Frozen Embryo Transfer.
Reduced to tears when shopping for baby clothes at Target for a friend who recently gave birth because I am wondering if I will ever shop for clothes for my own baby.
Cynical (funny cause I’ve always been thought of as naive).

These are feelings that I would not normally have. I am even more devastated as we have going for top of the range blastocysts which according to my fertility specialist apparently has a better success rate than Day 3 embryos. I don’t know how true this is – just look at what happened to my friend. What I do think however is that Day 5 embryos have a better chance of lining his pocket. Maybe that is the new “cynical’ side of me coming out.

I hope that by writing this blog, I will then be able to help people understand more about IVF and the pressure that they or someone close to might go through if they go down this path. Whilst most IVF clinics explain about IVF from a technical viewpoint I believe that improvement could be made in helping couples understand the full ramifications of IVF. IVF is not the be all and end all. At best it offers people more hope and the potential to have children but it is by no means guaranteed.

In the meantime, my hats and commendations are for the women who have gone through far more cycles that I and who have had the courage to continue on. My commendations are also for the men who stood with them, all the while knowing how interfering IVF can be with your sex life and emotions.

In future blogs I intend to cover off what it is like going through a stimulated IVF cycle.