The IVF Club

A Personal Blog About IVF Treatment & Infertility

BFN Again!

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As predicted last in my post we’ve had yet another failure. Aunt Flo made a brief appearance on Friday night. Having a day 5 embryo inserted 4 days after I ovulated probably didn’t help. My husband greets the news by giving me a big hug. He gave my flowers after the first 3 or 4 failures. It gets a little expensive when you do it as often as I do. Coping with the news was probably harder then than what it is now. We don’t talk about it anymore – our body language does all the communication it needs.

Personally I like to talk about it but my husband does not – that’s his way of coping. I know he is disappointed too. But really, there is nothing more we can say any more to each other than what we have already said before. Besides he is not a big talker and I accepted that when I married him. He is still my rock and shoulder to cry on when I need to.

I also have friends I can talk to about it – although I do try not to trouble my friends every single time I have an IVF failure.  There have been too many and I know from experience that no matter how good a friend is, they can get worn out if you are constantly upset and need to talk about it.  I guess most people think you should move on but infertility is a process of constant grieving to some extent.  I have personally lost some valuable friendships in the past because a “friend” thought I was too demanding in the past at a time of crisis in my life. I am not willing to repeat that again.

You wouldn’t know it but as I write this post on my blog, silent tears fall. I didn’t cry when my period arrived. I do now. Writing it all down is very cathartic for me.  Although I get upset, it gives me permission to talk and releases my feelings on matter. I have a theory that repression causes depression. When I repress my feelings, I get depressed. Revealing them, releases me and frees me from feeling depressed. To anyone else going through infertility I seriously recommend writing it all down. You don’t have to write war and peace and you don’t even have to make it public like I do. You could write a blog under a pen name or you could even just put pen to paper and keep it to yourself.

If you want to know how to go about setting up a blog, I am happy to teach this. I already run private workshops that teach people how to set up a blog or website and am planning on setting up a video series on my other website about how to set up and write a blog. Amazingly it is so simple and anyone can do it!  I do plan on charging for the course but it will be free for anyone undergoing IVF because I think we spend enough on IVF cycles without having to spend any more money on anything else.  Of course, I know this isn’t for everybody and for many a pen and paper would suffice.  However, if you are interested you can register by clicking here.  I haven’t created the content yet but if you register you will provide with an incentive to get off my butt and do it!

My next major step is have a blood test to confirm what I already know – I am not pregnant! After this, I will take a month off with the aim of having a full stimulated cycle in May. I don’t think my bank account will like me very much.  I know I ranted and raved about being sick of it all and I really truly am. However I am 40 years old, my eggs are not getting any younger and my biological clock is is ticking louder and faster. How does one overcome the inevitable process of aging?

I guess you don’t. There is no elixir to reverse the process. I wish there were. I do take Chinese Herbs which apparently provide nutritional support for my eggs. I can’t argue with century old traditional Chinese techniques.

IVF Cycle #11

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Well another day, another transfer. I am now up to cycle number 11. I thought it would never happen to me but it has. I can’t believe I am up in the double digits now. I don’t have a good feeling about this one either.

I have a feeling that I ovulated a day later than what my clinic thinks I did.  I noticed a stronger LH surge on my ovulation test strip a day after my blood test at the clinic.  Which means I think the clinic has put a Day 5 embryo, four days after ovulation instead of 5. Somehow I do not think this is a good thing. Next time I am going to insist on having a trigger injection so at least the clinic can be sure of when I am ovulating.

On top of that when I went to the clinic and spoke to the Embryologist, the scientist told me that the Embryo survived the thaw but was only 80% okay.  Apparently this is not a bad thing as the cells are amazing in rejuvenating themselves and the clinic sets a limit on what is and isn’t acceptable.  After 10 cycles, it was the first I had heard of it.

My next piece of evidence is that I don’t think the clinic tests the lining of my uterus.  They must evaluate when they do they transfer but I can’t say I have ever seen them measuring the lining.  In talking with a friend of mine who got pregnant after her second attempt at IVF, she tells me that she had a different protocol. They measure her lining before they proceed with the transfer and they don’t give her a blood test! All I ever seem to have are blood tests. The clinician at my last test was unable to find a decent vein (mine have gone into hising now) and left me in the seat while she went for help to find it. Trouble is she left me with with a strap on my arm for nearly 10 minutes – apparently that is not a good thing and makes the veins even harder to find.

And don’t let me get started about the blood test I had before that.  This was just a simple little test for lupus etc which I have had before but they thought they might just do again.  I think they extracted eight vials of blood that day and I recently received a letter informing me that they were unable to get any results from my blood and I have to go in again so they can redo the test.

One might think after reading this blog that I am over IVF.  I think I nearly am. I think I might do one more stimulated cycle before giving myself a well deserved break.

IVF: Over $40K and Counting

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A quick calculation of all my medical costs for IVF over the past few years reveals that we have spent over $40,000 in medical treatments in our attempt to have a baby. The costs include 6 fully stimulated cycles and 4 frozen embryo cycles and we still don’t have a little baby to hold, love and cherish.

Of course, I have been quite fortunate in that I have private health insurance. This, in combination with the fact that the Australian government reimburses some of the costs of IVF treatment, means our true out of pocket costs have only been around $13.5K dollars over the past few years. Of course, this is still a lot of money when you are on a tight budget. When I compare this to the costs in some other countries the cost is quite low so I have been quite lucky (or unlucky to have done this so many times).  Of course, the level of funding will be reduced this year so my costs will increase.

So at the moment, the total cost has been just over $13.5 thousand but if I added in the cost of acupuncture, Chinese herbal medicine treatments and multi-vitamins (such as folate, omega 3, CoQ10 and Vitamin C) that my husband and I have consumed, then the cost could easily be another ten thousand dollars. In fact, I am sure my husband would have the amount listed somewhere in his MYOB accounting software. It might be a bit odd but yes my husband he likes to keep track of every single dollar we spend.  Fortunately, he doesn’t complain about how much we spend on IVF.

Other costs that can not be measured in pure financial terms include:

  • The cost of retail therapy after experiencing an IVF failure
  • The emotional impact of repeated failures
  • The impact of your social life and putting aspects of your life on hold
  • The impact it has on friendships and the working environment (I confess my career has been on standy since we decided to go down the IVF route)

IVF Cycle Ten

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This month I really thought that there was a possibility I could be pregnant even though I had been negative about it happening this time.  My negativity stemmed from the fact that this month I ovulated later than normal and then somehow my hormones surged for 3 whole days before I actually ovulated.  As my body was behaving differently to normal, I decided to change the number of embryos transferred from two to one. The logic being not to waste the embryos I had.  I really felt that my body was conspiring against me for this cycle to get pregnant.

However, some positive things occurred which lead me to think this time could be different. My period was 3 days late – a pretty rare event. I didn’t develop acne. I didn’t feel bloated.  I’ve been making some positive changes to my lifestyle – getting more sleep, having regular acupuncture and taking Chinese herbal medicines twice daily.  It also seemed quite plausible and after 10 IVF attempts, surely it was my turn to fall pregnant. I also made a big personal decision and decided not to put my life and career on hold until I got pregnant.

Unfortunately, Aunt Flo decided to arrive yesterday. So its now back to the drawing board again!  As much as I was filled with anticipation, I have learned not to get excited or upset about the possibility of getting or not getting pregnant.  Its funny but my initial failures have been quite disappointing.  Each subsequent failure seems to have gotten harder and harder to bear.  But now it is less difficult.  Whilst I would still dearly love to have a little baby and am upset at the thought of never having a baby of my own, I can’t let it control me.  IVF has almost become this thing that just happens to me.  I have no control over it.  Maybe it is just surrendering to life as it happens moment by moment.

One or Two Embryos

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After surging LH levels for 3 days and ovulation now probably occurring today, I am concerned that the length of time between ovulation and my next cycle will be short and that my body will not have enough time to support the embryo that is planned to be implanted on Friday. 

Maybe I am being paranoid but I don’t want to put my little blastocysts at risk.  We’ve had 10 cycles now (although I am losing count) so any problems could mean yet another cycle to go through.  Even worse, we had planned to have 2 enbryos transferred. Now I am reluctant to have both implanted as my cycle has been really strange this cycle.

For a start, I noticed on day 13 that there was a slight surge in LH levels but not enough to say I was ovulating. Every day after until Saturday, there had been no surge and now I have surged for 3 days.  My basal temperature also tells me that I have not yet ovulation. Whilst it is normal for me to ovulate a little late, the fact that my LH levels have been surging for so long is not normal.

I am putting the interruption to my cycle down to the fact that I had been travelling early last week and severely lacked sleep due to the travel in different timezones and the lack of comfortable bed.

So the question is do I change my consent form from 2 embryos to 1 or do I just skip this month and start again the following month?  We really haven’t had much luck in the baby department so far so I am reluctant to put my little embryos at risk and head back to the baby making factory for yet another round of IVF.