Emotional Health and Wellbeing Archives

Waiting for the Phone Call

May 21, 2010 By Carol Leave a Comment

After a relaxed couple of weeks convincing myself that I am not pregnant, I am now finding myself sitting here anxiously waiting to hear the results back from my blood test. I mean what are the chances of a day 2 embryo making the cut when every other day 5 embryo I have had hasn’t.

Aunt Flo normally arrives before my blood test, however this time I have taken my blood test a day early. Whilst it is not common for my period to be a day late, it is not uncommon. It just doesn’t happen very often…. but it does happen. The trouble is that the delay is killing me. It is all I can think of and I am finding it difficult to concentrate on what I doing.

Personally I don’t feel pregnant. My breasts are not sore – they stopped being sore about 4 days ago. I have acne on just to the left of my chin – just like the acne I get when I am pre-menstrual. And today I have broken into the lolly jar at work. My cravings for sweets are fairly normal but they do tend to be worse just before my period arrives. So all things considered it is not looking hopeful.

But looking hopeful and being hopeful are two different things. Although I expect the results to be negative, I am more hopeful that they are positive. I think my husband is the same. He even rang to find out the blood test results. He doesn’t normally do that – but then normally I know the outcome before I have the blood test. Imagine if the clinic rings up and tells me that I have a positive result – I reckon I would find it difficult to hide at work. I think I would just scream.

On the other hand, I am going to be so disappointed if it is a negative again – even if that is the result I am expecting. And if that happens, I am reaching out to the bottle. Seems like the longer Aunt Flo takes to come, the more hope you have and this just makes the waiting period more difficult. Its actually killing me. I mean how many times can I inspect the toilet paper in one day. Every trip to the toilet has taken on greater significance. Every time I feel the progesterone cream, I wonder if that is the first sign of Aunt Flo.

How long will it take before the clinic call mes – 1 hour, 2 hours, maybe even 3 at most. I wonder if they call all the people with the positive results first and then call all people with the negative results. I wonder if it was random. If it were me, I reckon I would call with the good news first and then deliver the bad news. That rationale is not really helping me – maybe thats why they aren’t calling me. More bad news – just this time my body is keeping me in suspense.

The countdown continues….. rescue me.

Why Baby Showers and IVF Don’t Mix

December 6, 2009 By Carol 3 Comments

Yesterday I had been planning on attending a friends baby shower. Unfortunately, the arrival of Aunt Flo after another IVF cycle put a dampener on my planned outing. Emotionally I was raw and upset from yet another failure. Whilst I am very happy for my friend, the thought of sitting with a bunch of women watching her open presents for the impending arrival of her baby boy was too much to bear.

The oohs and ahhs of potentially seeing little baby bibs, cuddle rugs and cute clothing was enough to put my head in a tail spin. It has nothing to do with my friends. The thing is that with each IVF failure, you are confronted with the possibility that you might never realise your dream of becoming a parent. Seeing iconic baby items is not helpful when you are in this phase. You are confronted with the thought that you might never buy these items for yourself – well your own baby.

Had the shower been a week or so later, I am sure that mentally I would have been OK with attending but at the moment the pain is too raw. In the end I had to ring my friend and explain to her that I was happy for her but I was unable to attend for fear of making a spectacle of myself by bursting into tears at the mere sight of some cutie toy baby things. I thought it was in my best interests and also in hers that I didn’t attend. Fortunately, my friend was very understanding and empathetic. She herself had almost been thinking of going down the IVF path at one stage as it took her quite a while to conceive. We will be catching over after Christmas so I think that is a better outcome.

I also had to ring another friend, who recently announced she was pregnant via IVF and who also was attending the baby shower. She didn’t know anyone else at the baby shower so was looking forward to me attending. Ringing her was not an easy task because whilst I am happy for her, it seems unfair that it only took her one stimulated IVF cycle and 2 FETs to get pregnant. Sometimes you just want to scream “What about me?” You also have to protect your own interests – theres nothing great about being a blubbering mess in a room full of other women or people feeling sorry for you. We have been trying longer but have been unlucky in getting the final prize. The unanswerable question is “will weever get there?”

Getting Support Doing IVF

August 15, 2009 By Carol Leave a Comment

Yesterday my nurse rang me to tell me the bad news that I already knew. My 5th IVF attempt was unsuccessful. I bombarded her with questions. Should I change Doctors, should I try Day 3 embryos instead of Day 5? Should I do this? Should I do that? In the process of asking questions, I burst into tears.

She was very understanding and asked me if I felt I needed to see a counsellor. I didn’t know. I had mixed feelings about it when she asked. I am a strong person. I think I am coping fine but the last time and this time have hit me harder than the other times. Maybe I do need to see a counsellor. The thing is that I am grieving for someone that hasn’t happened. No one has died. I know this makes it difficult for people to understand. But maybe I am grieving for the loss of hope or my dream of becoming a parent. Each failure brings this growing realisation that maybe my plans for parenthood are never to be. No – I am not giving up on IVF. I will persevere although I don’t know for how long. What I do know is that each failure pushes you in this direction.

With some doubts, I agreed to speak to a counsellor and I expect to hear from them next week. However, the Counsellor rang late Friday afternoon to arrange a time. This is happening too quickly but as it turns out, it is not. All Saturday appointments are booked out and the next available weekday appointment is Friday week in the afternoon. I check my work diary and there is a meeting organised. I decide there and then that I don’t need to be there. I think I should accept the appointment. I think it is also in the interests of my employer that they have happy people working for them so will discuss this with my Manager when I return to work on Monday.

Oh and what were the answers to my questions. Now that’s a long story and I am going to save that one for another day. Stay tuned.